Beauty Will Rise | 8

If I were to catch a glimpse of you in heaven, I would imagine it would look a little something like this.

So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can’t believe 
I will believe for you

‘Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see

Out of these ashes,
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes

Out of this darkness
New life will shine
And we’ll know joy is coming in the morning

-Beauty Will Rise, Steven Curtis Chapman

This morning He reminded me that when we hurt He hurst, and he gave me this song to still my heart. Today I rest in Him who is my comforter. Xo

John 14:16-18 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.”I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you…”

•Happy Heavenly 8•

A Thousand Good Ones | No. 10

Happy Birthday to my baby boy. 10 years ago today I became a mom for the first time and my heart overflowed with a kind of love I never even knew existed.

   

Today can be overwhelming, but I am so thankful for God’s sweet compassion toward our family!

He knows my heart, and he knew just what to say and do today to remind me that he is right here with me. The first thing I read this morning when I opened up the internet was this mornings devotional with this powerfully beautiful truth.

“I’d rather be close to You through a thousand difficult moments than apart from You in a thousand good ones.”

Thank you to my sweet family and friends who have called, posted and messaged me celebrating his life. Though my mountains have been shaken, I choose to stand on that truth. I choose to celebrate all the “good ones”. His sweet laugh as he gave his best “aaargh” as a pirate, the jacuzzi pool parties at mama’s house, the first time he called us “mommy & daddy”.

Pretty sure there’s an awesome party happening up in heaven, so we will be blowing out his candles together.

Xo

Songs of Joy

“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.” – Psalm 126:5

Today is Infant Loss Awareness Day. A day where so many are reminded of the moment that their life was forever changed. While I know what it’s like to feel that pain in your soul so deep that it actually feels like your heart is breaking, when I think back to those dark moments, I am reminded of the earthly angels God placed by my side to walk with me through. My husband, my mom & dad, my sister, brother, my best friends.

While we may not be able to take away another persons pain, we can love them through it. That was the best “help” I received. So for today, if you are walking this journey with someone else- just be there- listen, hug, encourage them. There is hope, and if you allow Him, He can and will use you to cover someone else in HIS love and help them find joy again.

I am forever grateful to those who smiled at me, sat with me, cried with me, laughed with me, called to check up on me…and still do. God continues to use them in a very real and tangible way to feel His love.

” Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” John 16:22

 

More than enough

So a couple months ago If I had written this blog I would have started if off  by saying one day I would love start my day with an alarm at 7am, coffee set to go, husband leaning in for a snuggle and kids sleeping soundly till I wake them with morning smiles! Well one day…finally happened.

Life as a work at home mom is real. As moms, we schedule out our days as best we can to include: time to eat, play, clean, shop, cook, laundry, and at some point rest…more or less…and not necessarily in that order! Add in the “work” load, and ya’ kick it up a few notches. 

I’m an expectations kind of girl. I like to set them and set them high. No sense in doing things half way. Most who know me will here me respond to a question on a weekly basis with, “Go big or go home”!

Well a couple of months ago I had THAT day.

The one where you don’t make it down a quarter of your “to do” list because the computer decides it couldn’t possibly do as many tasks as you would have liked it to do… at one time.

Then ah’ relief…nap time. What nap?! Cross that off the list for the day. So we all know what comes when nothing is working, and you have a 4 year old and one year old who haven’t slept.

I started feeling that my time management, mommy management, and all the other management aspects that I allow to govern my daily life was just NOT ENOUGH. I could actually feel and hear the anxiety, exhaustion, and anger in my voice as I began to bark out orders.

Before I got too far, I heard these words being whispered…grace….give yourself grace…

A timely reminder from a blog I had read earlier in the week from- Proverbs 31 blog. There it was, the reminder to be still and know that…

“The ‘not enough’ you give day in and day out is seen by God and by His grace and power it is more than enough.”

I would love for ALL my days to be ultra productive and flow organically- phone calls ringing with the next client booking their wedding or photo session, emails answered, editing complete, blogs and galleries up while kids are cleaned, fed, laundry done…and all is wrapped up in a neat little bow by bed time! Truth is, I knew something needed to change.

After talking to my sister, it only confirmed where I had felt the Holy Spirit leading. It wasn’t going to be easy but the path rarely is. God has placed some amazing friends in my life that further confirmed what needed to happen. An earlier wake up call and a lot of quiet time later, my heart was full and the load felt lighter.

While I can plan out my day to the minute, there will always be something left undone, and others that are out of my control. I love that I have this amazing opportunity to do what I love and raise my boys, and I never want to take it for granted. But I can’t do it all, I am not perfect, and I don’t have to be. Jesus is enough. His grace is enough. Knowing that allows me to so sit back and just enjoy this…

The absolutely unpredictable awesome chaos that is life with my boys. Tomorrow is a new day. and then plan out how I can strive to be one of the best photographers in Miami

For today… I’ll wake up to the kids sneaking into bed for morning cuddles, and I’ll just try to do my best- remembering that my not enough will always be more than enough…in HIM.

Tapestry of Love

“We will have moments where we can’t catch our breath and all the world seems wrong, and we can’t help but wonder if He even cares. On the other hand, there are days when the sun warms us just right and while dinner is cooking and the kids are laughing outside, we feel His great pleasure flush against us.”

“…While I know this next part to be true, I don’t believe it’s easy. Our response to him should be the same, no matter the circumstance.”

“None of it was left to chance, and one day we will meet Him face to face. We won’t remember the moments where we were broken and raw, and we will see the tapestry of love that only He could weave.”

-Mended, Angie Smith

 

Firsts

Since Alijah could basically speak, he said he wanted to be a fireman just like his Tio. Today when we asked him he said, “I want to save people.”

Tito replies, “Like a policeman, a doctor, a fireman?” He responds, “No I just want to save people.”

As we drove back home, I didn’t even cry. I actually felt fine, proud…excited for him. Then as I sat for a while, things started to settle. I remember this is the same shirt he wore for his big brothers last celebration of life. Then the emotions that I push back daily flood the forefront of my mind. We’ve never made it this far. 

As I sit back and reflect on both their sweet lives, and then Alijah’s words I realize every FIRST since that 2.5 year mark holds this same feeling. Although this day is bittersweet, I still remain grateful because…we’ve never made it this far.

Even all these years later, I realize I don’t know how to process these feelings and sometimes don’t even recognize them as grief. I quickly push them aside to move forward. It’s only till these life moments come where I actually can feel it to where my heart aches. I then realize I need to allow myself to process the sadness and be ok with the joy knowing it does not take away from these special moments.

Today,  the shirt was not an accident and I have no doubt Alijah’s words came straight from heaven to his little heart. What an INCREDIBLE reminder of how GOD loves and cares for MY kids!!! I don’t know what God has planned for his life, but I have no doubt He has big plans for this little boy, and that Alijah is ready to do great things. ❤

I truly pray for His wisdom and strength to continue to guide him so whatever that looks like, will ALL be for His glory.

As I dropped him off, I stole a kiss and then he ran in and barely looked back.

XO

•7th Heaven•

“I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.” – Unknown

We had the opportunity to enjoy a small vacation in San Francisco, so I knew right away that I wanted to celebrate Baby Tito’s 7th heavenly birthday with his balloon release overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. I’ve always felt a closeness to him when I am in the clouds, so this was fitting.

Despite the passing years, I am grateful to celebrate him through small moments, memories, and conversations every day. Alijah knows his big brother, and talks to us or asks questions about him all the time. Some days are harder than others. But it is in these every day moments that it feels as if his sweet soul brings us closer as a family.

A few thank you’s:

Randi, I am so glad we were able to share this. Always by my side. I love you and the way you love him.

To our friends and family: The way you love him through the releases across the nation- in his honor and for us, truly warms our heart. THANK YOU for loving us in this way.

Issac & Natalie, THANK YOU for capturing this for our family. It means more than you know. ❤

To our lil’ superman-you know our hearts. XO

Here are a few picture highlights and a short video of our release.

To view the video click here —>  Golden Gate Balloon Release ❤

To check out more of our San Francisco Adventures… you are welcome to visit my Mau Loa Photography Blog- Click here

Though You Slay Me

My pastor posted this song a few days ago.  Talk about right on time. It speaks to my soul during a week where my heart feels torn and broken, yet I still bless Your name.

“Though You Slay Me”

I come, God, I come
Return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who’s all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who’s all I need

Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still all that I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who’s all I need
Sing a song to the One who’s all I need

(Shane and Shane with John Piper | Audio excerpt comes from John Piper’s message, “The Glory of God in the Sight of Eternity” )

Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY&feature=youtu.be

Xo

 

Hold On | Infant Loss Awareness

Today is Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Each rose represents my 3 babies. Tito III, Alijah, Ezekiel. My sweet mau loa.

“Always”

I was standing in the pouring rain
One dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold
When she caught my eye
Her face was torn and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside
She said “He would have been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face”
What was I supposed to say?

But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

He was living in a broken world dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace
When I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt
When his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears
And the anger locked inside
He’s barely holding on to faith
But deliverance is on its way

Cuz’ I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

Friend I don’t know where you are
And I don’t know where you’ve been
Maybe you’re fighting for your life
Or just about to throw the towel in
But if you’re crying out for mercy
If there’s no hope left at all
If you’ve given everything you’ve got
And you’re still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on

Cuz’ I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
Always, Always
He will be with you always
He will be with you always
He will be with you

Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qU3G2Xwrd28

•••

 The first time I heard this song, was after my first son baby Tito passed away. He was just about to turn three years old. To say it struck a chord, is an understatement.  But the message was right on time as always. It was a reminder that …

He was right there; walking with me in my grief (Psalm 23:4),

catching each and every tear as He still does, and (Psalm 56:8)

will always be my refuge, my MAU LOA (Psalm 91:2).

Today is a day to remember, but also to know that you are not going through this journey alone.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Rom. 12:15

Xo

If you don’t know my story, you can read a little more about it here: https://mymauloa.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/mau-loa-photography/

Many who are new and do not know about  my photography page, I dedicate time and photography to families who have gone through infant loss, or children who are living with life threatening illnesses. If you know a family experiencing this, please never hesitate to reach out. These services are offered as a gift to bring a little sunshine to those who may not always see it, and a keepsake for those families to treasure forever.

 

 

 

 

Choose LIFE

Ezekiel  |   Alijah

So much has been going on that I have not had the time to dedicate to this blog to share.  One of the most amazing events was the birth of our 3rd son, Ezekiel! ….another miracle, another rainbow baby, another glimpse of heaven through God’s eyes.

I am beyond thankful for our kids, and how God continues to strengthen us through their sweet souls and smiles.

With that being said, in the meantime, I have this sticky note that is on the desktop of my computer. I read it almost daily and it never ceases to inspire.

…on the days I feel defeated, or without the strength to overcome whatever may be on my plate at the moment I am reminded that…

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt