Beauty Will Rise | 8

If I were to catch a glimpse of you in heaven, I would imagine it would look a little something like this.

So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can’t believe 
I will believe for you

‘Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see

Out of these ashes,
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes

Out of this darkness
New life will shine
And we’ll know joy is coming in the morning

-Beauty Will Rise, Steven Curtis Chapman

This morning He reminded me that when we hurt He hurst, and he gave me this song to still my heart. Today I rest in Him who is my comforter. Xo

John 14:16-18 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.”I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you…”

•Happy Heavenly 8•

A Thousand Good Ones | No. 10

Happy Birthday to my baby boy. 10 years ago today I became a mom for the first time and my heart overflowed with a kind of love I never even knew existed.

   

Today can be overwhelming, but I am so thankful for God’s sweet compassion toward our family!

He knows my heart, and he knew just what to say and do today to remind me that he is right here with me. The first thing I read this morning when I opened up the internet was this mornings devotional with this powerfully beautiful truth.

“I’d rather be close to You through a thousand difficult moments than apart from You in a thousand good ones.”

Thank you to my sweet family and friends who have called, posted and messaged me celebrating his life. Though my mountains have been shaken, I choose to stand on that truth. I choose to celebrate all the “good ones”. His sweet laugh as he gave his best “aaargh” as a pirate, the jacuzzi pool parties at mama’s house, the first time he called us “mommy & daddy”.

Pretty sure there’s an awesome party happening up in heaven, so we will be blowing out his candles together.

Xo

Songs of Joy

“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.” – Psalm 126:5

Today is Infant Loss Awareness Day. A day where so many are reminded of the moment that their life was forever changed. While I know what it’s like to feel that pain in your soul so deep that it actually feels like your heart is breaking, when I think back to those dark moments, I am reminded of the earthly angels God placed by my side to walk with me through. My husband, my mom & dad, my sister, brother, my best friends.

While we may not be able to take away another persons pain, we can love them through it. That was the best “help” I received. So for today, if you are walking this journey with someone else- just be there- listen, hug, encourage them. There is hope, and if you allow Him, He can and will use you to cover someone else in HIS love and help them find joy again.

I am forever grateful to those who smiled at me, sat with me, cried with me, laughed with me, called to check up on me…and still do. God continues to use them in a very real and tangible way to feel His love.

” Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.” John 16:22

 

Tapestry of Love

“We will have moments where we can’t catch our breath and all the world seems wrong, and we can’t help but wonder if He even cares. On the other hand, there are days when the sun warms us just right and while dinner is cooking and the kids are laughing outside, we feel His great pleasure flush against us.”

“…While I know this next part to be true, I don’t believe it’s easy. Our response to him should be the same, no matter the circumstance.”

“None of it was left to chance, and one day we will meet Him face to face. We won’t remember the moments where we were broken and raw, and we will see the tapestry of love that only He could weave.”

-Mended, Angie Smith

 

Firsts

Since Alijah could basically speak, he said he wanted to be a fireman just like his Tio. Today when we asked him he said, “I want to save people.”

Tito replies, “Like a policeman, a doctor, a fireman?” He responds, “No I just want to save people.”

As we drove back home, I didn’t even cry. I actually felt fine, proud…excited for him. Then as I sat for a while, things started to settle. I remember this is the same shirt he wore for his big brothers last celebration of life. Then the emotions that I push back daily flood the forefront of my mind. We’ve never made it this far. 

As I sit back and reflect on both their sweet lives, and then Alijah’s words I realize every FIRST since that 2.5 year mark holds this same feeling. Although this day is bittersweet, I still remain grateful because…we’ve never made it this far.

Even all these years later, I realize I don’t know how to process these feelings and sometimes don’t even recognize them as grief. I quickly push them aside to move forward. It’s only till these life moments come where I actually can feel it to where my heart aches. I then realize I need to allow myself to process the sadness and be ok with the joy knowing it does not take away from these special moments.

Today,  the shirt was not an accident and I have no doubt Alijah’s words came straight from heaven to his little heart. What an INCREDIBLE reminder of how GOD loves and cares for MY kids!!! I don’t know what God has planned for his life, but I have no doubt He has big plans for this little boy, and that Alijah is ready to do great things. ❤

I truly pray for His wisdom and strength to continue to guide him so whatever that looks like, will ALL be for His glory.

As I dropped him off, I stole a kiss and then he ran in and barely looked back.

XO

•7th Heaven•

“I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.” – Unknown

We had the opportunity to enjoy a small vacation in San Francisco, so I knew right away that I wanted to celebrate Baby Tito’s 7th heavenly birthday with his balloon release overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. I’ve always felt a closeness to him when I am in the clouds, so this was fitting.

Despite the passing years, I am grateful to celebrate him through small moments, memories, and conversations every day. Alijah knows his big brother, and talks to us or asks questions about him all the time. Some days are harder than others. But it is in these every day moments that it feels as if his sweet soul brings us closer as a family.

A few thank you’s:

Randi, I am so glad we were able to share this. Always by my side. I love you and the way you love him.

To our friends and family: The way you love him through the releases across the nation- in his honor and for us, truly warms our heart. THANK YOU for loving us in this way.

Issac & Natalie, THANK YOU for capturing this for our family. It means more than you know. ❤

To our lil’ superman-you know our hearts. XO

Here are a few picture highlights and a short video of our release.

To view the video click here —>  Golden Gate Balloon Release ❤

To check out more of our San Francisco Adventures… you are welcome to visit my Mau Loa Photography Blog- Click here

Though You Slay Me

My pastor posted this song a few days ago.  Talk about right on time. It speaks to my soul during a week where my heart feels torn and broken, yet I still bless Your name.

“Though You Slay Me”

I come, God, I come
Return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who’s all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who’s all I need

Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still all that I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who’s all I need
Sing a song to the One who’s all I need

(Shane and Shane with John Piper | Audio excerpt comes from John Piper’s message, “The Glory of God in the Sight of Eternity” )

Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY&feature=youtu.be

Xo

 

Hold On | Infant Loss Awareness

Today is Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Each rose represents my 3 babies. Tito III, Alijah, Ezekiel. My sweet mau loa.

“Always”

I was standing in the pouring rain
One dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold
When she caught my eye
Her face was torn and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside
She said “He would have been three today
I miss his smile, I miss his face”
What was I supposed to say?

But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

He was living in a broken world dreaming of a home
His heart was barely keeping pace
When I found him all alone
Remembering the way he felt
When his daddy said goodbye
Fighting just to keep the tears
And the anger locked inside
He’s barely holding on to faith
But deliverance is on its way

Cuz’ I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

Friend I don’t know where you are
And I don’t know where you’ve been
Maybe you’re fighting for your life
Or just about to throw the towel in
But if you’re crying out for mercy
If there’s no hope left at all
If you’ve given everything you’ve got
And you’re still about to fall
Well hold on, hold on, hold on

Cuz’ I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all faith is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
Always, Always
He will be with you always
He will be with you always
He will be with you

Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qU3G2Xwrd28

•••

 The first time I heard this song, was after my first son baby Tito passed away. He was just about to turn three years old. To say it struck a chord, is an understatement.  But the message was right on time as always. It was a reminder that …

He was right there; walking with me in my grief (Psalm 23:4),

catching each and every tear as He still does, and (Psalm 56:8)

will always be my refuge, my MAU LOA (Psalm 91:2).

Today is a day to remember, but also to know that you are not going through this journey alone.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Rom. 12:15

Xo

If you don’t know my story, you can read a little more about it here: https://mymauloa.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/mau-loa-photography/

Many who are new and do not know about  my photography page, I dedicate time and photography to families who have gone through infant loss, or children who are living with life threatening illnesses. If you know a family experiencing this, please never hesitate to reach out. These services are offered as a gift to bring a little sunshine to those who may not always see it, and a keepsake for those families to treasure forever.

 

 

 

 

Seven | A Time To Dance

I was in my office bathroom when I got the results of our pregnancy test. My sister insisted on being in the stall with me, and practically was hovering over me while taking it. (Yes, weird for some I know, but I guess we are closer than the average family lol) She started screaming as a few women came in and out, which was my cue that clearly it must have been positive. We went to deliver the news to my husband who was in the conference room. At this point in time, my ENTIRE family worked in the same office building except my mother!

I will never forget the look on his face. He said the words before I could even utter one.

Baby Land- Memorial Plan Cemetery, Miami, FL 9 months later our first little boy was born.  His sweet dimples just pulled at my heart strings with every smile. There are so many moments in between that we treasure. Just to name a few- remembering how his sweet smile would win you over the second he looked at you. His quirky personality. He was incredibly strong-he was doing pull ups before he could even walk! (That is just one of the reasons why we call him our Lil’ Superman.) His laugh was infectious. He would make faces just to make you smile. He loved to dance, he loved the Wiggles, he loved Thomas the Train. He loved his arroz! He loved being with other kids, and playing at the park. He loved bath time. The way he said mommy, daddy.  The way he said I love you. I could go on and on remembering every moment, little details that may seem insignificant to so many. To our little family they are each a little stitch, that complete, make up the short but amazing two and a half years we were blessed to share with our Titito. The questions, the why me’s, were there for a long while. One thing we learned is that faith does not prevent grief , but it does infuse grief with HOPE. Of course, there is still sadness. There are still moments you cry. You will always miss them. But on this day, HIS day, we made the decision to celebrate. Our baby, a gift that God gave us to hold for a short time on earth, but forever in our heart; To show us just how much HE loves us the same. How each small “insignificant” part of our make up, is not even in the slightest form insignificant to Him. We were fearfully and wonderfully made, HE was fearfully and wonderfully made. I know it has been a while since I have been able to blog. But I certainly hope that those who have spoken with me lately about their losses, those who have been referred to my blog because you are struggling to make it through today, remember the little moments that made you smile. It is in those moments that you will find the comfort and peace. God is good. Remember there is a time for everything. Cry if you need to, laugh if you need to. Joy will come again in the morning. Happy 7th Birthday to our Sweet angel. Love you Titito. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 says “To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”

 ———-***———-

Alijah giving his big brother flowers

Alijah blowing out the candle.

Recognizing Grief

Just came back from a much needed vacation, where we stole away to the Keys for a bit.  While we were there we celebrated the life of our son, Baby Tito, who graduated to heaven now 4 years ago, although it never seems as if it was that long ago. We were so blessed by all those who released balloons in his memory. The pictures of the releases that took place all over the country kept us smiling that day. So for that we are truly grateful that God has blessed us with amazing family, friends, and support!

 While we were there, and even upon coming back, I was given news and spoke with several friends & individuals that are going through some serious losses- death, marital, jobs, and even dreams. Hearing several of the stories made me really emotional, which caught me off guard.

In speaking with a few of them, I never realized how much grief I was holding in until it grew to the point where I couldn’t any longer. Since I was not processing these feelings, they began revealing themselves through different ways, the worst being in a few nightmares. I prayed because I could not understand where they were coming from.  Then I came across this the other day, and just sat back as the light bulb clicked.  I realized just how much I needed to hear this message.  Fear of your own grief can be negative, and crippling. So I want to share with those whom I have spoken with, as well as those who follow me, and are going through a loss regardless of what type that may be…

“If you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even ,you experience them fully and completely You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, “Alright I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.” ~ Mitch Albom

I have a feeling, I will be circling back to this quite often..but at least I can continue to deal with it now that I have recognized it.

His grace IS sufficient, and His strength is made perfect in our weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9 Blessings, Erica XoXo